Cold...

It's getting colder around here... Kinda nice, cause it's a little windy and not humid or hot.

But one bad thing is, my muscles will sorta cramp easily during cold weathers... ah... so it's kinda stiff...

Well, watched 'sky blue' this afternoon. And, yes, another great stuff! When will I even reach that kinda stage... The matte painting is just great!

Sleepy and tired for the whole day. really nice weather to sleep in. Oh ya, think I better turn in soon... gotta wake up early later.

Work hard! Work hard!

Tired... Confused...

Well, met up with enki-chan for lunch today... haha... walked from lavender MRT, WHOA! A mud skipper! Saw a bird too, something like a crane, it's sorta standing very still like a statue!

Okay, so lunch, miss the food there! hee... so nice chating with enki-chan. Hehe... Yea... made me sorta think about certain things. Like, learning japanese language, how I should earn some money to survive first... Ah... really appreciate it ba!

Hee... really great to have so many advisors. But I guess one really bad thing is just me. I'm lazy at times... And that's really a killer...

After lunch, went to meet bin and banana go walk around at central. It's sorta like a new mall, so, we are kinda lost inside... maybe because most parts of the mall is made up of clear glass, so, visible of where the exit is, luckily, not trapped! One really stupid thing that I did is climbing a 90 steps stairs down to the train station only to realize that the escalator is right beside when I reached... (-_-)"

Had subway for dinner at orchard. My legs are really tired after all that walking... Well, okay, better go do a little bit of my reel before I sleep...

Ah... What am I think? I'm so indecisive.... Why am I turning down so many part-time jobs? It's sorta like I'm too scared to take it up. I know I'm not fast enough, yet I didn't try... Just afraid that I might make the company lose money or something... I should have just try. I'm kinda disappointed with myself.

Whoa! Time really flies...

Somewhat just felt so, time really really flies... the way it is, it's kinda scary. Argh... Still so much to learn...

well, nothing really exciting so far... okay, so the basic modelling and unwrapping done... but I haven't model the weapons for the creature... still kinda alot to do. I still wanna try displacing certain things before going into texturing the creature, sorta like a test. not really familiar with zbrush... so, kinda trying to learn the software. haha... I'm sorta a little old fashion, I guess. I wanna try painting too, as well as drawing... Ahh... haven't draw in quite a while... Still a lot to learn...

Really want a job, but, with my skills, it's just not enough... even if I wanna go for internship, I can't, simply because I don't have a school... So, just gotta learn and practice myself till I'm good enough eh? Yet, it does feels demoralizing when there's not much money left to survive. And, nope, I'm not getting any money from my parents, so I just gotta get better.

Hmm... Sometimes, I just really wondered, about the doing research part. Well, we do need to do research, but I would think that adding imagination and creativity into it will be much more cool! It's like reaching for the sky? If certain things are too logical, then, it'll sorta become more of copying than creativity right? Argh... Whatever!

I think I'm kinda going crazy... Well, when I saw my dad hit my sister because of her misbehaviour, it sorta made me feel that he's kinda childish. Well, she's not really misbehaving, she just said, " I don't like daddy to be fierce...", and out came my dad. Hmm... I guess the saying that "as we grow older, we become more child-like" is sorta true? Nah... Rather, I think, there's a kid in everyone. There always will be. Haha...

Didn't realize my speaker was on so loudly... When I on the music, I sorta had a fright... Guess it really scared me quite a bit. Well, it's sorta weird, the player I use always play much more louder than any other software I'm using. That's why when I switch them, sometimes I forget to turn the volume down. That's what happens...

Well, I guess tomorrow will probably be a break. Haha... and no artworks posted here yet... But, it's nothing much to show anyway...

Nice weather... What is this feeling?

Kinda windy these days. Really nice weather.

Feeling so tired... I probably slept too much. What's this feeling? Like, it's sad... yet, it's okay.

Hmm... well, better get back to doing my reel.

What a day... Thoughts...

Alright, does construction companies work even on sat? I guess no surprise. Well, it's kinda noisy today... or rather, these days! They are sorta redoing the pavement right below my block. And, it's really early in the morning. Okay, I don't wake up in the morning. Argh... so, morning till afternoon, the noise of the drill and my sister... Grr... And even till the evening... Well, national day, so, lots of plane fly pass... On normal occasion there are already alot around this area, and now even more! Can't I have a peaceful time? Well, thankfully it's just temporary or else I'm going mad!

Hmm... I think I sorta need more than 1 week to finish up with the texturing. UV unwrapping kinda took quite some time. I guess I'm just slow. Surfing CGTalk pretty much these days! Well, looking for texturing tutorials and interesting stuffs. Whoa! And I saw their HCR Modeling, Star wars Tribute. Well, as I scroll down, saw the winner. Somehow, just felt that it is really good! Not in terms of look, texture or model. Well, probably it's the expression. Just somehow felt the sadness and anger of the character. (If I predicted correctly) Sorta made me start thinking...

I remembered, an artwork... a good artwork will have meaning to it. It's suppose to be sorta like a kinda expression. But then, it can never pass without a good look. Maybe, it's just human? Sorta like, people tend to look at beautiful things with a first impression. If the first impression isn't that beautiful, it's harder for them to see the inner beauty... Hmm... lots of movies have alot of great characters, these characters have scary looks, but yet, inside there's love. I really admire that. And, it's really wow! I wondered if one day I would be able to create something like that, something with meaning.

Surfing for tutorials, unwrapping a little bit of my model and watching some video shows (hehe... oops!) In the evening, went off to the hospital to see my relative. Well, I guess he's getting better. Just some time after, the opposite bed in the shared ward, something sorta happen. It's really kinda terrible, the patient's heart sorta slow down quite a lot, around 40beats, his wife cried silently as the doctors and nurses try to get his heartbeat rate back to normal. Everyone around, even strangers, showed their concerns... I hope it's okay now...

After the hospital visit, went to have dinner and then to the new supermarket that opened behind my block. Yup, it's really much bigger than the one we usually shop at. When there's competition, the consumers are most fortunate! More stuff, bigger space to walk around and easier to get to.

Back home, carried all the things to the kitchen and tried to switch on my room's light... ah.... not working... So, waited for dad to come back and fixed it... The light bulb turned black, spoiled. Phew, luckily, there's a new unused one in the store room. And, that's the end of day...

Love is probably kinda sad...

I just have to do it!!!!

Ahh... It's kinda getting stress. Well, it's in a good way!

Finally, full focus on my model. Well, still tuning here and there. I think I better start unwrapping and texturing first before I do the weapons. The file size is pretty big. I wondered how I should go about doing it. Should I put everything together then unwrap and texture while hiding the rest or should I place it in different files? Hmm.... no confident in my proportions, so i guess i better put them together and tune it a bit...

Okay, hmm... grouping objects together or attaching them is better? I guess it's pros and cons. Erm... or rather I not very sure about that. Well, attaching things together makes the file size smaller, and objects can still be adjusted, but it's hard to select the polys or vertices. Hmm...

So, I guess the whole file size is gonna be pretty big... but, how big is big? Hehe... Don't really get it. Ah... just whack! just do it!

Help, help, HELP!

Argh...

I just so bad at modeling and texturing. I knew it long ago. Okay, so far, probably no one has even come across this blog.

Speed is really 1 key factor. The biggest problem with me is, I have no confidence and I am super slow. Well, any tips? (I'm like crazy...)

The way things are now are really making me feel demoralized. Everytime people tried to give me a chance, I just messed it up. Simply because I'm not fast enough. And I have no confidence to really send my resume out.

The way I am now, I'll probably just make the company lose money. Working as an intern? I don't even think I can pass that as well.

Argh... Damn. Just needed help I guess...

Whoa! Bird Park photos is that much?!

Yea... I'm pretty much of a lazy bum. Just woke up. Well, ate my brunch and check my email, wow! 22 inbox... Hmm...

Okay, so 18 of them they are all bird park photos which we celebrated mr duck's birthday... haha... Amazing, banana have compiled all of them together and sent 18 emails to everyone... I wondered how long it took to attach all of the photos. Really Thanks.

I guess I ain't really happy for quite some days now. So, I sorta get frustrated easily recently. But some how, really feel nice to go out with friends. Haha, got a bit drunk and having lots of fun at the bird park. Just made me feel better.

I kinda got frustrated yesterday, but I guess I felt much better today.

Hmm... nothing much to say, well, I guess I have to work on my reel. Kinda gonna die, because I can't really find a job now without a reel. And what is worst is that I'm taking too much time, I'm still not good with it. I just sorta wanna learn painting... No money, so I guess I'll have to search for tutorials.

Then again, is there really enough time for all these. There is just so much more to learn! And I'm not even near the starting line yet...

feeling sleepy for the whole day!

Feeling so sleepy for the whole day! what is wrong with me?

Weird, seemed to have forgotten how to cry. Hmm... Argh...

Watched Steamboy in the afternoon! And it's Whoa! Look at the details around! It's really really cool! I really wondered how they paint all those details.

Somehow, I think I really do feel like going around the world. Well, who doesn't want if given the chance to? I don't know why, but overseas, their CG graphics, stories and all of that are really amazing! Sometimes, can't really figure out how they did that.

Just feeling it's not enough. I'm just not good enough. And, the opportunities here are really little. Argh... I just gotta work harder.

Just what is wrong!?

I have no idea, but I seem to have lost my appetite... Sort of feel like vomiting... It's like after u eat something, after a while, ur tummy seem to produce a lot of air such that it became bloated and u felt like vomiting out every thing...

Maybe because of my weird sleep hours these days... Couldn't get myself to fall asleep at night. And, I woke up so late that I only ate 2 meals each day. Guess it's really kinda bad...

Working hard, but then, hard enough? guess still not hard enough. Okay, I think I better set some deadlines for myself. But, it just doesn't really work sometimes. Argh! Come on! Gotta buck up!

I must be crazy...

Argh... can't really sleep these days... What the hell is wrong with me?

Well, kinda went back to my old school... lots of changes just within 2 years. It seems like there are alot more new courses around, and of course the equipments look newer. Walked around the area, there are night classes there for working adults. But most of the area are close. Guess they are renovating the life area, cause when I walk pass, the guy just started drilling the ground. Whoa! It shakes...

Kinda feeling moody these days. What is bothering me? I dun really know, or is it, I dun wanna know. Hmm... A job, yup, I wanna try hard... Chance, haven't send resume or my reel out... Confidence, do I have any?

ARGH!!!!

Argh... feeling bored and sleepy...

Alright! Finally watched transformers! It's a very nice show! Well, kinda made me really interested in how they made those mechanics... It looks complicated and I wonder how they animate it transform... Hmm...

Argh... I don't know why... just kinda felt not too happy today... alright, maybe probably lack of sleep.

Well, came walking home through the big heavy rain, kinda feels good! And it's really good to take a hot shower right after that.

Argh... sleepy through the day... what is wrong with me?

Get Punk'd

Woo!!!

Haha... met up with my friends for dinner tonight... And we laughed the whole night long!

Well, started off with me meeting with xuan and then we went off first since ling is late... so, came out with a plan to surprise ling since she didn't know xuan came back!

Yeah! It worked! and ling thought I was gonna sell her because we walked up a pretty much dark alley...

During dinner... oh my god! I laugh until I got hiccups! went to little hong kong to eat. not bad... but i'm really full, probably too full... haha... the mango dessert is exciting! the ice cream will roll down the icy hills! hehe... and splash it goes!

After the whole dinner thing, hehe... kinda trick xuan that ling cried... suddenly cried and dunno why.. hehe... oops! And, yep, it worked! It's really hard to not laugh when xuan called to confirm the matter... haha... but, phew! managed to get it through... Wahahaha...

Well, okay, nothing much... I think i'll probably be punk'd next in the line... hehehe... oops... oh no!

Hopes...

I've just changed my blog here... Haven't been writing for a very very long time.

Gonna change the skin, and hopefully, this blog will be a much happier place. Will be posting some artworks I guess. Won't be posting much I guess.

Not really happy these days. Really wanna be a CG artist. I'm just really trying, but I guess it's not hard enough. It's so hard to explain what it's really like to others. Change and work as something else? No... If I do that, I'll never ever be happy again. I just have to try again and again. I really hope to make it. It's not about pay, it's really about being happy or not, having fun or not, enjoying work or not.

Argh... I really am lost... don't know what to do. To many others, I'm probably just a useless person. Yea, no point nagging about it. I'm really trying hard, but why? why do people always curse me and pray for me fail each and everytime just to make themselves happy, more superior. Making others sad, just to make themselves happy... Can't people just support and cheer? When these people exist, it feels worst than loneliness. But, luckily, I have good friends that supports and encourages me.

I am still learning and I have never thought that I was good in anything before. Just don't understand why some people will think of me as arrogant. I don't even have confidence. Well, at least, I do wish that I will have some confidence, it's seems to be empty. I wanna be happy. I really wanna be happy. I'll try and try and try...


A drop of tears fell suddenly... why?